Nineteen has come and gone...twenty is finally here, and boy do I feel old! My birthday was Monday and this year I had no big celebration or anything, I just hung out around the house with mom and then we went out to eat. Today I am on my way to El Paso, Texas to visit dad, I guess you could call it a belated birthday present that takes me away from my everyday life. I'm grateful for a chance to get away from it all for a few days and to visit my daddy while he's working down here for the Coast Guard. Currently, I am sitting in the Phoniex, Arizona waiting on my flight to El Paso which leaves in a little over an hour. This is my second plane ride ever, and my first plane ride on my own. I was a little nervous this morning leaving Atlanta, but I think I'm all good now....just relaxed and not in any hurries. I kinda like it. I'm excited to get to be able to have time to myself this coming up week and then to get to spend time with daddy when he gets off. I've needed a vacation since last summer. haha. This is it! Kinda. Mom and I were talking about my flights last night and we both prayed that I would not get stuck sitting next to a creeper, but maybe my future husband. On the flight from Atlanta to Phoneix, I was seated next to a six year old boy. Just God's way of being funny and trying to keep me distracted on the flight. Definitely not my future husband, I'll admit that I'm not a creeper like that. Maybe this flight will hold better luck for me.
The airport is a scary place to be when you're all alone. Especially when you've never been this far from home and you are not aware of the things around you. I have to keep a watchful eye on everything of mine at all times because there's no one here to do it for me. People here who are suppose to be everyday people like me are creepers! Like the hairy man that boarded on my earlier flight...haha. Hopefully it will be different when I land in El Paso...no hairy men. :)
There's something about my life lately that doesn't seem quite right. Sometimes I feel like the invisible person. At work, I am just the babysitter who watches the kids and drops them off at a certain time, really no appreciation other than the money. At home, I am Chelsea, that's all. I'm not the big hot shot football player with the sweet significant other who spends half of her life at our house, I'm just the daughter who does nothing of any imporatance. At church, well, I don't even know where to begin there. I have pretty much become the one people always forget about at church, I can't figure out where I belong, who I belong with. At ASP I'm the one who always seems to be doing the wrong thing, while everyone else has it spot on. At school, I'm that girl...ya know, the one who sits there and listens but doesn't interact unless she has to, and when she does she never seems to have anything intelligent to say. To my "friends", I'm apparently the girl with the big mouth who will befriend you too much if that is even possible. I thought that I had figured out who I was inside and out, but now, even if I am this person, I'm not so sure I want to be. Is it possible to change who others think you are?
This is something that really gets me. I have this friend whom I've literally grown up with, (I've known him since we were 7). We have had our ups and downs over the years, but all in all we are close friends, atleast I thought we were. About a week ago this boy tells me that he doesn't have time and doesn't want to talk to me, and we're not talking about just for that day...this will be for awhile. Granit, this happens alot between us, the no talking thing that is, but he has never said anything to me quite like that. I don't get it. If we are friends, good friends at that, why wouldn't we talk or hang out or do whatever it is that friends do. I love him and I feel like I can be open and honest with him, but apparently these feelings are not mutual. I asked him if we were still friends or if he even wanted to be, and he said "yes, I never said we weren't friends Chelsea". How can you be friends with someone if you don't have a relationship? Right. So now, at church or wherever I might run into him, I seem to not exist, I don't even get a simple "hello". Nothing. You wanna break a girl's heart, that's the way to do it.
Now, I realize that I am and will probably always be a very sensitive person, but how else was I suppose to take that comment? I took it straight to heart, as I believe I should have.
I'm sick of being that girl. The girl who changed her major from a high-paying glorious one to an easy one that basically anyone could do. The girl boys see as a friend or even an object, but not relationship material. The girl that hasn't dedicated her life to playing sports like her champion brother. The girl that won't stop talking. The girl that people see as invisible. The girl that has no idea what she's doing or why she's doing it, but she just is. The girl who doesn't interact correctly with others. I'm done.
I want to be something new, someone new, and go somewhere new. I want to start over brand new. I want to be the girl who has a serious relationship, the one who knows what she will do with her life, the one that is athletic, pretty, skinny, perfect. I'm tired of "not existing". I want new friends, I want to get rid of all the old ones and have a different life.
I don't want to be invisible.
I have had this past week off from babysitting, so I have spent it relaxing and hanging out. Daddy came home last night for a weekend visit, and today we had a family day. We all went out to eat for lunch...a Zucca day actually, then Daddy and I went shopping for some computers. I am on my new fabulous Acer as we speak! I am very excited about it and how it will be so much better for me to carry around school compared to my other one which was like 20 pounds. It's not the Dell that I am used to, but I'm pretty positive that I can and will adjust to this one. In between us going from store to store to shop around for a laptop, we ended up stopping to help a guy who had run out of gas on Barrett Parkway. He basically opened up to us and told us about his entire life in the five minutes that we drove him to the gas station and back to his car. He was probably in his mid-thirties and he had 5 kids all under the age of 12. He told us that his wife had left him and that she took the kids with her. He had lost his job a few weeks ago, and was on his way to see his probation officer to pay a speeding ticket that he did not pay on time due to the fact that he lost his job and didn't have the money. It was 4:00 while all this was going on and if he didn't meet with his probation officer before 6:00 the police were going to put a warrant out for his arrest. This guy was having a bad day if you ask me. It made me start thinking about how most of us think that we have to rough it if we don't have the computer we want or if we don't get to go out to eat every weekend, but really, we have no idea what having a bad day is. When my daddy was laid off from his job we had to cut back on alot of our spending and eating out and such, but this guy has lost his family because of it, and is getting into trouble with the police because he doesn't have enough money to pay for a ticket.
Today, not only do I have a new laptop to start fresh on, I also have a new outlook on life. I have decided that taking things for granit is not the way to live life. I need to be thankful for the small things in life and not worry about the things that I don't have or need. Unlike the guy we met today, I have a loving family, some fabulous friends, and more than some people will ever have in their entire life, and I am very thankful for that.
I've been patiently waiting for summer to arrive since last September, and now I feel like it's flying by so fast. There are a number of reasons that I love summer, the main one being that my birthday month is smack dab in the middle of it, and yes, I said "my birthday month" because I feel the need to dedicate the entire month of July to me and my birthday since I was suppose to be born early in July, yet I did not arrive until late July. I also love summer because I have a few months off from Chalker and ASP, I love to go to the pool and try to get tan, my family always goes on vacation (to the beach, visit family and such), and I could not be satisfied in my life without the beauty of summer nights. If it was up to me I would sleep outside every night during the summer looking up at the stars and listening to all the nighttime sounds. There is just something different about nights in the summer that I have fallen in love with. Needless to say (again), I love the summer.
This summer, however, I am falling out of love with. It is already July (my birthday month), and I feel like I have lost over half of my summer break. I have been babysitting Monday-Friday since May 26th, and when I get home from my exhuasting days I crash on the couch. We took a 7 day vacation to visit family, and I honestly considered not coming back. Yes, I was in Mississippi, not the most fun place in the world, but the best place for me to relax and enjoy being around my family. There's just something about being out in the country with no traffic, loud noises, or interuptions that gets me. Oh, and did I mention that the nights during the summer are so much better out there? They are! Over there is in a normal everyday thing to go out and sit on your front porch with your family doing nothing....in Georgia that is not considered normal. I miss it.
The other day momma told me that we won't be going to Mississippi for Christmas vacation, like we have every year in the past. I think that part is what is getting to me the most. Now that Papaw is gone, everything is changing and I have prayed that it wouldn't. I don't like it. We normally spend Christmas here with daddy then on the 26th we leave and head for Mississippi and stay there until the 2nd week of January. This year we won't do any of that. It just doesn't seem right to me. I guess I will just have to wait and see.
So, back to my summer. Today, I am babysitting yet again. Alison, Matt, and I just got back from going to the library, (where I sat and did nothing), driving to chick-fil-a so we could get something to drink, (where I ordered a large sweet tea and ended up getting a medium coke...what the hell?), and then searching 15 minutes to find a walmart so that I could get a coloring book, (which, yes, is for me, not the kids), I am now sitting at the house with the kids, drinking my nasty coke, eating a Mr. Goodbar and coloring in a "princess charming" coloring book. Great fun...right? At this point, no. But who knows, maybe it will get better.
Yesterday we drove back from Mississippi...a LONG 10 hour drive. As soon as we got back I met Shad, Sam, Barbara, Megan and the middle schoolers at Turner Field for our Middle School Ministries Annual Braves Game (this was the first annual one for the middle schoolers). Of course, the Braves beat the Phillies. :) We went into a ten inning game because the teams were tied.
I took tons of pictures at the game last night...and now they do not exist. This makes me very upset! I went to go post them on here, and they are not on my camera. hmm...I'm not exactly sure what that's all about. Oh well.
Today I am babysitting Alison and Matthew until 2:30/3 then I think I might go home to rest or go to the pool. I am completely exhausted because of the long ride and the time difference. I will try to figure out what happened to the game pictures later today. So sad...