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Invisible

There's something about my life lately that doesn't seem quite right. Sometimes I feel like the invisible person. At work, I am just the babysitter who watches the kids and drops them off at a certain time, really no appreciation other than the money. At home, I am Chelsea, that's all. I'm not the big hot shot football player with the sweet significant other who spends half of her life at our house, I'm just the daughter who does nothing of any imporatance. At church, well, I don't even know where to begin there. I have pretty much become the one people always forget about at church, I can't figure out where I belong, who I belong with. At ASP I'm the one who always seems to be doing the wrong thing, while everyone else has it spot on. At school, I'm that girl...ya know, the one who sits there and listens but doesn't interact unless she has to, and when she does she never seems to have anything intelligent to say. To my "friends", I'm apparently the girl with the big mouth who will befriend you too much if that is even possible. I thought that I had figured out who I was inside and out, but now, even if I am this person, I'm not so sure I want to be. Is it possible to change who others think you are?

This is something that really gets me. I have this friend whom I've literally grown up with, (I've known him since we were 7). We have had our ups and downs over the years, but all in all we are close friends, atleast I thought we were. About a week ago this boy tells me that he doesn't have time and doesn't want to talk to me, and we're not talking about just for that day...this will be for awhile. Granit, this happens alot between us, the no talking thing that is, but he has never said anything to me quite like that. I don't get it. If we are friends, good friends at that, why wouldn't we talk or hang out or do whatever it is that friends do. I love him and I feel like I can be open and honest with him, but apparently these feelings are not mutual. I asked him if we were still friends or if he even wanted to be, and he said "yes, I never said we weren't friends Chelsea". How can you be friends with someone if you don't have a relationship? Right. So now, at church or wherever I might run into him, I seem to not exist, I don't even get a simple "hello". Nothing. You wanna break a girl's heart, that's the way to do it.

Now, I realize that I am and will probably always be a very sensitive person, but how else was I suppose to take that comment? I took it straight to heart, as I believe I should have.

I'm sick of being that girl. The girl who changed her major from a high-paying glorious one to an easy one that basically anyone could do. The girl boys see as a friend or even an object, but not relationship material. The girl that hasn't dedicated her life to playing sports like her champion brother. The girl that won't stop talking. The girl that people see as invisible. The girl that has no idea what she's doing or why she's doing it, but she just is. The girl who doesn't interact correctly with others. I'm done.

I want to be something new, someone new, and go somewhere new. I want to start over brand new. I want to be the girl who has a serious relationship, the one who knows what she will do with her life, the one that is athletic, pretty, skinny, perfect. I'm tired of "not existing". I want new friends, I want to get rid of all the old ones and have a different life.

I don't want to be invisible.

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